Finally got a call from my doctor about an appointment I had weeks ago. Great doctors right? I have no words for what she said…I’m utterly speachless and a lot of things are fixing to change. I have to go be by myself now.

Getting over him is probably the hardest thing ive ever done. Everyday its a work in progress and whats worse is feeling like its not hard for him at all and that he doesn’t care at all. I know hes moving on and he deserves to I guess but it was like poof a switch was turned off shut the door without a word and kept walking. And after everything we’ve been through after everything we’ve endured it feels like maybe it didn’t mean anything to him at all. But I’m trying to focus on me more trying to get myself better and healthier and focus on me being happy Because its not just affecting me anymore there’s other people now its affecting and will affect. My life is fixing to change alot soon without me being able to stop it and i need to be ready as much as possible. So each day I’m trying and wishing for nothing more than to be happy. Its gonna be a long road but I hope one day ill get there.

I just don’t want to be here anymore…anywhere…I just want to be alone far away. and if I cant have that then I want nothing. Ive lost myself.

Make me go away

Dear God make me a bird so I can fly far far away Dear God make me a bird so I can fly far far away Dear God make me a bird so I can fly far far away

Almost two weeks. And hes only spoken to me for a day. And only because he wanted to know if I was really pregnant or not. Yeah he really loves me, right? There’s no need for all this. Its obvious now he never wanted to get back together because he could barely last another month with me before he ran off again. Maybe he was feeling guilty for how he ended things..Maybe I’m just angry… You know what? YES I am angry. I gave him everything. And I mean EVERYTHING. I took a lot more shit that I deserved and he wasn’t man enough to even tell me the truth and just end it. Hes done this..AGAIN.

I deserve more. I deserve alot more. I deserve someone who I’m not constantly waiting for to just leave again or cheat on me because he cant be real enough and tell me how he feels he only answers with “I don’t know” I deserve someone who fights to keep me everyday and tells me he loves me just because. I deserve someone who isn’t constantly making me feel bad for how i feel and making me feel like I’m stupid. Who understands MY side and wants to get to know MY family and do things with MY friends. Someone who makes plans when he knows I’m the one instead of saying “One day…” It feels like selling me a deal that’s never gonna happen.

I wanted everything with him..marriage, kids, the picket fence, all of it. But now I feel so stupid for being so in love with a man who’s never going to truley love me back like that. I’m an amazing, smart, funny, fun loving girl and I’m a good girlfriend. I don’t cheat I don’t lie I try my best to do things for my boyfriend. I drive an hour and fifteen minutes ONE WAY, take time off from work and lose money from that just to spend a day a night a weekend with him. We take MY car pretty much everywhere because he cant /wont fix his truck. Sometimes I have painful sex and keep quiet about it because I could stand the look on his face when id say no. Or the digs he’d make at me all the time because I was in pain having sex so i didnt want to have sex. I strayed further and further away from my family and my friends because it was a huge inconvience for him to come down here. And if he did Id still have to meet him half way. I made an effort in getting to know his friends and family because they mean the world to him but I don’t feel like he did the same. But you know what I didn’t mind all of that because I loved him and when I love someone I do it full hearted and all the way in. And im not ashamed of that. It mostly felt like he was one foot in one foot out.

His mother said one day I was too good for him and at the time I’m sure she was joking and I don’t honestly believe I’m too good for him because I know he can live up to his true potiental because ive seen it. But I deserve more than this. What type of man cuts off and ignores a woman he claims to love and could potientally be pregnant with your kid? That doesn’t sound like much of a man to me. Sounds like someone who’s scared. Scared to let someone in and truley and fully love someone and let themselves be happy. He’ll move on I’m sure of it. Find a new girl or might already have and that’s his right to do so I guess. But when he looks back and thinks of me he needs to remember that I didn’t deserve any of this and all I did was love him and this isnt something he can write off as a “oh well” because this is all him. Maybe one day things can be different. He’ll be better. But until then I guess this is the end of our chapter together. And it wasn’t my doing.