bappletree:

I wish someone would fight for me.

What is it about me that lets people know that they don’t have to worry? That I’m laid back? That they shouldn’t waste their time hurting for me?

None of that is true.

I feel like I have literally stepped back to my 18 year old self and I’m repeating the past. Here I am scared I’m pregnant (though when I was 18 I didn’t know at the time) and hes not responding to any attempts of me trying to get in touch with him. Why is it so fucking easy for him to just cut communication off with me and move on? I don’t get it at all. We have a fight and your done and I’m left to deal with this on my own? That’s it? Its like nothing has changed. Its not fair. I feel like ive been slapped in the face. I hope he figures things out for himself. I guess I’m gonna have to deal with this on my own. He wonders why Im afraid hes gonna leave and hes gonna leave me to raise a child on my own and its because of stuff like this that I do. I’m literally always scared hes gonna leave or just give up and its because he does this. When things get hard he shuts me out, shuts down, and leaves. Seems like always.

Maybe its me. Maybe I nag or I’m too sensitive or something. I don’t know. If its me I wish he’d tell me. But that would require him talking to me which he isn’t. So. I don’t know. I don’t know where we go from here I don’t. But for now I gotta just focus on me and whatever is going on with me. Like last time. And if or when he decides he wants to talk to me ill deal with that then.

This isn’t all my fault. I didn’t just cause this. His anger seemed like something else was wrong. I would love to sit down like adults and talk about what is really bothering him calmly. Its not all about me I know that. I want to be someone he can confide in and talk to things about but hes never really done that he says that’s how hes always been but I wish I could be that girl the only girl he opens up to about things. When he took me to his best friends grave I was really happy that he was willing to open up to me about that. Its something that hurts him a lot and he never shows anyone his pain about it but he did me and that meant a lot. God that seems like a lifetime ago. Here I am again left alone begging him to love me when he shouldn’t. It really is a repeat I guess.

Its been a while since I last written on here mainly because I was content with my life and didn’t feel the need to bitch about it. Bobby and I got back together and we were working on things and all seemed to be going fine. Then I missed my period and things got stressful and our differences started to become an issue and it wasn’t an easy time. Ill admit I was scared shitless I had no clue what was gonna happen and I was afraid that he was gonna leave me with a child and I was gonna have to do this alone.

On fourth of July I went to his house and we spent time together I asked him what his stance on abortion was. Not neccesarly for me but just period. I immediately was shut down and a wall was put between us. I didn’t understand why he wasnt willing to talk to me about it. Hes always talked to me about everything and I was thrown back by his silence. Ill admit I shouldn’t have pushed but I’m a nag and I pushed. He was pissed. He told me why and we talked about it and we both opened up about some things that had been bothering us and we were good. I thought we were in a good place and moving forward. I left that night happy and smiling and felt reassured in our relationship.

This past weekend we got into another fight about the fact that I didn’t want to tell our parents together if we were pregnant. He got beyond pissed it was insane I never expected him to get so angry. He didnt give me any opportunity to explain why or try to see my side or anything. I was a little confused as to why he was SO angry and why he wasnt willing to talk to me about it. I mean ive always told him id rather talk things out than be angry and not talk things out. He cut me off and when he did talk to me the next day he didn’t want to talk about it at all but I pushed it cos it was so unlike him to be so angry so quick about something. Hes usually so patient. He got really mad and started cussing at me and I just couldn’t take it. So I hung up.

Its maybe like the second time ive ever hung up on him Bhutan I just couldn’t take the fighting and his anger. All I wanted to do was talk about it calmly and move on. I was never completely opposed to the idea of telling my mom with Bobby there. Im sure shed be surprised because it would show hes gonna step up and be a good dad. But I wanted my aunt Pam there. Shes always been more of a supporter of our relationship than my mother and always tried to help me show my mother that I love him and let go. I don’t understand why she cant be there for me and my mother I wanted her there as a buffer so my mother doesn’t lunge across the table and beat the shit out of me. Shes always been the mom and my mom the dad. She keeps my mom grounded and tries to talk my mom down when shes angry. Which is exactly what shes gonna be. Angry. Seeing blood red angry. I’m sure she wouldnt be angry if we lived together and we were more financially stable but at the moment that isn’t the case.

I feel like there’s something else involved with his anger. I wish he’d talked to me about or hell talk to me at all. He has not answered a single call/text/facebook message/wall post from me. I don’t get how he can go this long without missing me and wanting to talk to me. I know it kills me. I wonder what hes doing, how his day has been, how work was, everything. How can it be so easy for him to walk away? I don’t feel like hes gonna come back to me. I don’t feel like our disagreement was bad enough to give up on us or ignore me this long. I wanna be angry with him for cutting me out of his life but I miss him too. I feel like such a loser for it. Practically begging. I feel like maybe hes found someone else. I hope not because this is not a way to break up with someone. What if I am pregnant? My fear is coming true and its not fair. We were supposed to be together forever. What was the point in asking me to be Ur’s again when you’ve just left me all alone? Why cant you compromise to? Why cant you just love me?