An Imperfect World

"Bicycles remind me of him"

Mon, 27 Aug 2012 14:41:44 -0400

“Bicycles remind me of him”

theanimalblog: A six-day-old baby orangutan snuggles up to its...

Sun, 26 Aug 2012 22:18:36 -0400

A six-day-old baby orangutan snuggles up to its mother at Zoom Erlebniswelt in Gelsenkirchen, Germany

Picture: EPA/ROLAND WEIHRAUCH

"I don’t know what to do…"

Sat, 25 Aug 2012 11:51:23 -0400

“I don’t know what to do…”

Finally got a call from my doctor about an appointment I had weeks ago. Great doctors right? I have...

Fri, 24 Aug 2012 14:57:26 -0400

Finally got a call from my doctor about an appointment I had weeks ago. Great doctors right? I have no words for what she said…I’m utterly speachless and a lot of things are fixing to change. I have to go be by myself now.

Getting over him is probably the hardest thing ive ever done. Everyday its a work in progress and...

Thu, 23 Aug 2012 01:23:06 -0400

Getting over him is probably the hardest thing ive ever done. Everyday its a work in progress and whats worse is feeling like its not hard for him at all and that he doesn’t care at all. I know hes moving on and he deserves to I guess but it was like poof a switch was turned off shut the door without a word and kept walking. And after everything we’ve been through after everything we’ve endured it feels like maybe it didn’t mean anything to him at all. But I’m trying to focus on me more trying to get myself better and healthier and focus on me being happy Because its not just affecting me anymore there’s other people now its affecting and will affect. My life is fixing to change alot soon without me being able to stop it and i need to be ready as much as possible. So each day I’m trying and wishing for nothing more than to be happy. Its gonna be a long road but I hope one day ill get there.

I just don’t want to be here anymore…anywhere…I just want to be alone far away....

Fri, 17 Aug 2012 21:37:49 -0400

I just don’t want to be here anymore…anywhere…I just want to be alone far away. and if I cant have that then I want nothing. Ive lost myself.

Make me go away

Dear God make me a bird so I can fly far far away Dear God make me a bird so I can fly far far away Dear God make me a bird so I can fly far far away

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Mon, 23 Jul 2012 21:15:12 -0400

I am done...smoking gun...

Sun, 22 Jul 2012 20:16:12 -0400

Almost two weeks. And hes only spoken to me for a day. And only because he wanted to know if I was really pregnant or not. Yeah he really loves me, right? There’s no need for all this. Its obvious now he never wanted to get back together because he could barely last another month with me before he ran off again. Maybe he was feeling guilty for how he ended things..Maybe I’m just angry… You know what? YES I am angry. I gave him everything. And I mean EVERYTHING. I took a lot more shit that I deserved and he wasn’t man enough to even tell me the truth and just end it. Hes done this..AGAIN.

I deserve more. I deserve alot more. I deserve someone who I’m not constantly waiting for to just leave again or cheat on me because he cant be real enough and tell me how he feels he only answers with “I don’t know” I deserve someone who fights to keep me everyday and tells me he loves me just because. I deserve someone who isn’t constantly making me feel bad for how i feel and making me feel like I’m stupid. Who understands MY side and wants to get to know MY family and do things with MY friends. Someone who makes plans when he knows I’m the one instead of saying “One day…” It feels like selling me a deal that’s never gonna happen.

I wanted everything with him..marriage, kids, the picket fence, all of it. But now I feel so stupid for being so in love with a man who’s never going to truley love me back like that. I’m an amazing, smart, funny, fun loving girl and I’m a good girlfriend. I don’t cheat I don’t lie I try my best to do things for my boyfriend. I drive an hour and fifteen minutes ONE WAY, take time off from work and lose money from that just to spend a day a night a weekend with him. We take MY car pretty much everywhere because he cant /wont fix his truck. Sometimes I have painful sex and keep quiet about it because I could stand the look on his face when id say no. Or the digs he’d make at me all the time because I was in pain having sex so i didnt want to have sex. I strayed further and further away from my family and my friends because it was a huge inconvience for him to come down here. And if he did Id still have to meet him half way. I made an effort in getting to know his friends and family because they mean the world to him but I don’t feel like he did the same. But you know what I didn’t mind all of that because I loved him and when I love someone I do it full hearted and all the way in. And im not ashamed of that. It mostly felt like he was one foot in one foot out.

His mother said one day I was too good for him and at the time I’m sure she was joking and I don’t honestly believe I’m too good for him because I know he can live up to his true potiental because ive seen it. But I deserve more than this. What type of man cuts off and ignores a woman he claims to love and could potientally be pregnant with your kid? That doesn’t sound like much of a man to me. Sounds like someone who’s scared. Scared to let someone in and truley and fully love someone and let themselves be happy. He’ll move on I’m sure of it. Find a new girl or might already have and that’s his right to do so I guess. But when he looks back and thinks of me he needs to remember that I didn’t deserve any of this and all I did was love him and this isnt something he can write off as a “oh well” because this is all him. Maybe one day things can be different. He’ll be better. But until then I guess this is the end of our chapter together. And it wasn’t my doing.

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Sun, 22 Jul 2012 19:43:39 -0400

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Sun, 22 Jul 2012 19:43:00 -0400

bappletree: I wish someone would fight for me. What is it about me that lets people know that they...

Wed, 18 Jul 2012 01:59:05 -0400

bappletree:

I wish someone would fight for me.

What is it about me that lets people know that they don’t have to worry? That I’m laid back? That they shouldn’t waste their time hurting for me?

None of that is true.

Repeat, repeat?

Sun, 15 Jul 2012 16:36:08 -0400

I feel like I have literally stepped back to my 18 year old self and I’m repeating the past. Here I am scared I’m pregnant (though when I was 18 I didn’t know at the time) and hes not responding to any attempts of me trying to get in touch with him. Why is it so fucking easy for him to just cut communication off with me and move on? I don’t get it at all. We have a fight and your done and I’m left to deal with this on my own? That’s it? Its like nothing has changed. Its not fair. I feel like ive been slapped in the face. I hope he figures things out for himself. I guess I’m gonna have to deal with this on my own. He wonders why Im afraid hes gonna leave and hes gonna leave me to raise a child on my own and its because of stuff like this that I do. I’m literally always scared hes gonna leave or just give up and its because he does this. When things get hard he shuts me out, shuts down, and leaves. Seems like always.

Maybe its me. Maybe I nag or I’m too sensitive or something. I don’t know. If its me I wish he’d tell me. But that would require him talking to me which he isn’t. So. I don’t know. I don’t know where we go from here I don’t. But for now I gotta just focus on me and whatever is going on with me. Like last time. And if or when he decides he wants to talk to me ill deal with that then.

This isn’t all my fault. I didn’t just cause this. His anger seemed like something else was wrong. I would love to sit down like adults and talk about what is really bothering him calmly. Its not all about me I know that. I want to be someone he can confide in and talk to things about but hes never really done that he says that’s how hes always been but I wish I could be that girl the only girl he opens up to about things. When he took me to his best friends grave I was really happy that he was willing to open up to me about that. Its something that hurts him a lot and he never shows anyone his pain about it but he did me and that meant a lot. God that seems like a lifetime ago. Here I am again left alone begging him to love me when he shouldn’t. It really is a repeat I guess.

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Sun, 15 Jul 2012 16:05:32 -0400

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Sun, 15 Jul 2012 16:04:40 -0400

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Sun, 15 Jul 2012 16:04:27 -0400

Story behind this? Her dad was leaving on a 2 year deployment....

Sun, 15 Jul 2012 16:00:59 -0400

Story behind this? Her dad was leaving on a 2 year deployment. She was crying, and wouldn’t let go of her dad’s hand, even when he stood in line, saluting. No one had the heart to break them apart.

i’ve reblogged this like 470348 times, i can’t not reblog it everytime

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Sun, 15 Jul 2012 15:58:51 -0400

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Sun, 15 Jul 2012 15:58:42 -0400

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Sun, 15 Jul 2012 15:58:25 -0400

Its been a while since I last written on here mainly because I was content with my life and...

Fri, 13 Jul 2012 19:04:26 -0400

Its been a while since I last written on here mainly because I was content with my life and didn’t feel the need to bitch about it. Bobby and I got back together and we were working on things and all seemed to be going fine. Then I missed my period and things got stressful and our differences started to become an issue and it wasn’t an easy time. Ill admit I was scared shitless I had no clue what was gonna happen and I was afraid that he was gonna leave me with a child and I was gonna have to do this alone.

On fourth of July I went to his house and we spent time together I asked him what his stance on abortion was. Not neccesarly for me but just period. I immediately was shut down and a wall was put between us. I didn’t understand why he wasnt willing to talk to me about it. Hes always talked to me about everything and I was thrown back by his silence. Ill admit I shouldn’t have pushed but I’m a nag and I pushed. He was pissed. He told me why and we talked about it and we both opened up about some things that had been bothering us and we were good. I thought we were in a good place and moving forward. I left that night happy and smiling and felt reassured in our relationship.

This past weekend we got into another fight about the fact that I didn’t want to tell our parents together if we were pregnant. He got beyond pissed it was insane I never expected him to get so angry. He didnt give me any opportunity to explain why or try to see my side or anything. I was a little confused as to why he was SO angry and why he wasnt willing to talk to me about it. I mean ive always told him id rather talk things out than be angry and not talk things out. He cut me off and when he did talk to me the next day he didn’t want to talk about it at all but I pushed it cos it was so unlike him to be so angry so quick about something. Hes usually so patient. He got really mad and started cussing at me and I just couldn’t take it. So I hung up.

Its maybe like the second time ive ever hung up on him Bhutan I just couldn’t take the fighting and his anger. All I wanted to do was talk about it calmly and move on. I was never completely opposed to the idea of telling my mom with Bobby there. Im sure shed be surprised because it would show hes gonna step up and be a good dad. But I wanted my aunt Pam there. Shes always been more of a supporter of our relationship than my mother and always tried to help me show my mother that I love him and let go. I don’t understand why she cant be there for me and my mother I wanted her there as a buffer so my mother doesn’t lunge across the table and beat the shit out of me. Shes always been the mom and my mom the dad. She keeps my mom grounded and tries to talk my mom down when shes angry. Which is exactly what shes gonna be. Angry. Seeing blood red angry. I’m sure she wouldnt be angry if we lived together and we were more financially stable but at the moment that isn’t the case.

I feel like there’s something else involved with his anger. I wish he’d talked to me about or hell talk to me at all. He has not answered a single call/text/facebook message/wall post from me. I don’t get how he can go this long without missing me and wanting to talk to me. I know it kills me. I wonder what hes doing, how his day has been, how work was, everything. How can it be so easy for him to walk away? I don’t feel like hes gonna come back to me. I don’t feel like our disagreement was bad enough to give up on us or ignore me this long. I wanna be angry with him for cutting me out of his life but I miss him too. I feel like such a loser for it. Practically begging. I feel like maybe hes found someone else. I hope not because this is not a way to break up with someone. What if I am pregnant? My fear is coming true and its not fair. We were supposed to be together forever. What was the point in asking me to be Ur’s again when you’ve just left me all alone? Why cant you compromise to? Why cant you just love me?