Today while working I was thinking about my relationship with Bobby and why I was so insistent on being engaged before I move out with him. My whole relationship with him I couldn’t explain why it was important to me to be engaged before I moved out with him. But today I realized why.

I know why I want to be married. Because I love him and I want to be able to call him my husband. And to have a life together as a married couple. To him it was dumb he could never understand why I felt the need to be married when we could do all we wanted as an unmarried couple. It always kindve hurt my feelings that he couldn’t just accept and that he didn’t want it as badly as I did. But what he never realized was that me wanting to be married was a huge thing on its own. The fact that I wanted to be married at all and to him was a miracle for me. I went through life watching marriage destroy people and all they believed in. I swore to myself I would never be like them and I would never get married. So when he came into my life and my opinion changed it was a major deal. Though he never knew or understood that it was.

But the whole reason why I wanted to be engaged before I moved in with him is because I guess it was a safety net. So that id know he wouldn’t leave me because he had so much invested in us. In me. It wouldnt have mattered if he was still technically married (but seperated for years) because to me asking someone to marry you is like the ultimate way of saying I love you, I’m here, I’m fully commited, I’m not going anywhere, and your it for me. You can say something like that to someone until your blue in the face but your actions mean more. And to me that would have been the ultimate reassurance. But he could never do it. There was always some reason as of why we needed to wait. And maybe its good thing we didnt because even after all the promises he still left me.

But at least I’m aware now of why I wanted that so bad and ill be more cautious of it in my future relationships because I’m tired of being turned down. So next time ill just keep this shit to myself.